I had an amazing marriage, and I loved being a husband. We seek out love relationships so that we can feel love. At times one may not be the person who was intending to break the marriage, and if it came from your partner, then it becomes tough to overcome the grief, are you still in pain 10 years later? I'm mad, yelling, and feel like I can't breathe. I devoted my whole life to him and our 2 adult kids who blame me for everything and no longer speak with me but have welcome the child bride with open arms. My situation is without the financial issues now. You may have to find. This is no doubt an essential tool directly after infidelity has occurred, but it may be even important in dealing with infidelity years later. I believe scars remain, but forgiveness can set us free still, it is a choice we make each time the pain appears. He was my best friend, husband and mentor. Commit yourself to enjoy life and move on without fear. "text": "Its possible for your divorce to haunt you even after years as you struggle emotionally over how your marriage ended, how easily your spouse moved on, and how hard it is to negotiate the ebbs and flows of life." I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. Maybe its her you shouldnt trust and other women, those whove not hurt you, you should give a chance. Espcially this: Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Yes, indeed. Joanne, Thank you Joanne. Good luck to everyone here as well divorce is tough but we are tougher . Keeping the bed. "@type": "Question", At the 10-year mark, by and large, the person who wanted the divorce is doing better than the one who didn`t want it. I see my family, our friends, most couples I know retiring together, doing life together, enjoying grandchildren together, but everything we do, well its not the same. I will be praying for you Lerlie, and for each and everyone that have shared their pain and hurt as well on the comments. My adult son came to live with me 20 years after his mother and I divorced. The rise of 'gray divorce,' as couples over age 50 split. I have tried counselling, forgiveness, keeping very busy, yoga and meditation anything and everything recommended, but I cant let go and have a constant deep sadness. The dust never settles is an apt idiom for those of us who carry an unexplainable sadness deep down even though they have moved on. The community of comments was especially helpful in affirming that I am not unusual and that this is the reality of the human experience. But at times, it happens that there are disagreements that come along the way which is hard to cope up with the partner any more. It's been 2.5 years since my divorce and I am in a new relationship but I am still sad that I got divorced. I think, for me, I will never fully recover from the betrayal of the life my ex and I had created over 25 years. Claiming benefits on your ex-spouse triggers what is known as a spousal benefit, which is worth a maximum of 50% of the retirement . Dont let years and years pass by and cling to the pain, hurt, and resentment. Yes, even the not wanting to date after a divorce. Your piece really spoke to me. I would have gone to any length to keep my family together. This is a very good article. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. His children have never been told his address and were informed of his second marriage after the event. No anger but deep deep hurt. You may consider it phantom pain, but its pain nonetheless. Nobody really understands. No tool and not even with time repairs. AlternativeDepressionTherapy.com 2005-2023. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. This so much speaks to me . Clinging to the word of God is what is helping me go through all the pain and hurt. I do not miss him, nor do I want him back, I feel like I served my time so to speak after 15 1/2 years of marriage. When you ask your 21 year old how her mom is doing ,she says not good and starts sobbing. Esters comment summed it up beautifully. Its so tremendously hard to share these with the people (ex-husb and woman from affair now married, plus their families) that stood by and made my life absolutely miserable for a few years. This also resonates with me. Good behavior towards your ex will help you overcome the heartbroken experience that you have had all along for a long time. Many couples never recover from divorce because of feeding their minds with evil thoughts about your past marriage, calling and abusing your ex-partner. Somehow, I have ended up the bad-guy. Wishing you all the best I found those comments an insult to the (what I thought) was a good marriage of course we had our ups and downs and a loving partnership. Intellectually I see all the reasons to be apart from him but buried deep in my heart I still have a longing for what was supposed to be. Sad. You can still love her without remaining in daily pain. I feel very lost again. But we weathered storms, my children are now young men, and they will find their own way as we all must, with time. He was a longtime alcoholic, but quit (cold turkey) four or five years before he left. Good article and I will add to it. My son sees a sadness every so often in me. I know what youre going through. But the pain lingers under the surface always. I received a summons to have my alimony modified. and special occasions are the hardest. Worrying That Your Husband Isn't Really Sorry About The Affair Is A Common Reason For Being Stuck: As I said, I often see common themes or issues in wives who haven't been able to move on. This is an excellent explaination of how divorce has affected me. It truly helps to know Im not alone in this. The article is dead on. I still am working on my self and hope and pray she sees something in me again. Thank you for finding those words. Yet in our many hard years since the marriage ended, there was a great deal of good in our little household of one mom, two boys and a big mutt. I have fallen in love again after my divorce. I am with a wonderful man now and I am happy, and still sad too. People can continue hurting because of the communications they still have after dissolving the marriage. I thought is wasnt normal to still feel guilty 10 years later. My reservations with acting on adopting is that I would be exposing a child to a broken home. We were together about 12 yrs all together, until I was 30. Perhaps it is an aftereffect of the years I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. We all grieve differently. The day before what would have been our 40th wedding anniversary he sent me an apology for the way he treated me, and brought up the anniversary I cannot think why as he was married to her, so why mention it. We have 2 grown children now1 doing very well, the other still trying to find his way. "name": "Is moving on after divorce hard? from their father when they need us both. Studio Firma/Stocksy United. Do those things! I have been thinking about just adopting and doing the single father thing. Sam, I find it odd that you dont trust other women but would trust the woman causing your pain and welcome her back. Friendship is not what I want at all. Coparenting is tough. No longer. For example, youre allowing your thoughts of adoption to be muddied by thoughts of the way it should be. I hurt for my children and having to share new memories with her and that part makes me sad. Don't Fight Your Feelings All of our emotions are given to us for a reason. I went through the divorce process in a daze, devastated. We met my freshman year of college and I truely feel that he shaped who I am today in the most positive way anyone ever could and then I left him. Related: Healing From A Relationship With A Narcissist Before jumping ahead to the realities of life after divorce from a narcissist, it's worth summarizing the tell-tale traits of self-absorbed personality.. 7 Traits of a Narcissist It's easy to slip into dramatic self-pity mode when you're the one left behind, just as it was in my divorce. But I try to be grateful for all they do for her they live in the same city as my daughter while I am out of state. Not everyone makes it to acceptance. After a happy 28-year marriage, we're getting a divorce. Emotional Symptoms of Divorce. We grew up together, worked in various cities, had good friends, loved each other's familys and then I just left him. I will search for a gentler and more compassionate website. I chose to go 100% zero contact, which has helped greatly with moving on. I see my future as being alone for the rest of my life, Im too exhausted and too busy careing for OUR severely disabled daughter. She took the house, my business, my kids my heart and happiness. I've done my best to move on, and finally now I'm in another wonderful relationship almost ten years later with a man who loves me as much and now I know how to be grateful but this man is not brilliant or wealthy or liberal like my ex. Takeaway. There's also the practical side of it. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. And regardless of its source, shouldnt we be allowed to acknowledge it when it returns, free to express our feelings openly? Know how you feel, Sheila, & there is no easy way through the pain. This will ensure that during the day, you are fully engaged at work and in the evening, you are in class. For people who already live with depression . Even got the dogshe is small not big! But I wish we never got divorced. I have adult children and yes, they have their own lives. Thank you for writing this article and for me stumbling upon it Im so glad there are others out there who understand, and can put into words, how this feels. You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. The anger caught me off guard today, for I thought my heart had healed; deep sadness can still come around, this time of year, and I am relieved to know it isnt uncommon. It is best if the communication was limited on business issues only, for example, if the ex-spouse has a role to play in bringing up the children, then allow the communication to be focused solely on the child support. Im so glad to.have found this post and these comments. 2. To do that, you must first understand your divorce hangover. However, while you may expect to feel a bit sad about your ex moving on, you may be surprised or confused at the . I still cry daily for my marriage but also as a single parent of an autistic son and tween girl life is tough. I love my daughter dearly and wouldnt want it any other way. Im normal, Its normal to feel happy and sad, gain and loss after so many years. It is nice to know there are others out there besides me. 8 years after my divorce, I am right there. It truly has broken my heart. I would say it was my fault she left for sure but she never would stay and go to counseling with me she just walked. As in, you might finally be legally divorced. Im very happy to find this essay tonight, and the comments you have all left. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. My goals and dreams have suffered. You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. She is very busy socially and at work. A divorce hangover is an ongoing connection with your ex-spouse or former life that keeps you agitated or depressed, unhappy, and stuck in the past. I have my kids back in my life. That includes old school values like honoring commitments, following through on responsibilities, working through issues rather than walking away. D. A. Wolf is a professional writer, editor, and independent marketing and social media consultant. But, I was wrong. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. a loss of appetite. Ive heard the lectures about moving on after divorce many times. You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. Youre getting something out of it or you would be healing and moving forward. 2019 Divorced Moms. One very common one is feeling like your husband just isn't remorseful or sorry enough for the affair. My son sees a sadness every so often in me. And yes, so much collateral damage. Yes, I am male. I hate to think I will live and hurt the rest of my life like this, I just love her !! I don't know exactly how I feel about that. So much collateral damage. Add message Save Share Report Bookmark Divorce may leave school-age kids between the ages of 6 and 11 struggling with feelings of abandonment. When one of my kids remarked that he thought there was a profound sadness in me, I was taken aback. It hurts and brings confusion to the children. The marriage deteriorated. The more time that passes, the more reminders and suggestions you will need to deal with the aftermath of . We all grieve differently. It leaves a mark,my divorce will always be a sad event in my life like other sad things.I choose to see how I have survived and thrived and I look at my kids now 9 and 10 and think' I did that'.I am proud ,a liitle battered and bruised by the journey but proud nonetheless. Yet in only 10 percent of the couples do both former spouses. For me, the pain will never go away. { He frankly pales in comparison but after all the lonely years and horrible men, I'm so grateful to have him. At the moment its him using we/our in his e-mails because I am having his sister to stay. I worked hard, did everything for him, but it wasnt enough.They married 18 months after our divorce ( 9 months ago, and went on honeymoon to one of our favourite places) They have a fantastic lifestyle, whereas I have had to go back to work. Which means that by cutting her out, I cut them out, which leaves me alone. I never realized you could love to much. Some of the common signs of depression are mentioned in an article by psy.com. Moving on after divorce certainly requires more than someones prescription. However, it may not take quite long if you wanted the divorce, were unhappy with your marriage, or the divorce decision was mutual. And apparently, my sadness lingers at moments. But also: stronger relationships with their kids, finding peace, and settling into a new sense of normal that feels, well, okay. Thank you for expressing and sharing your thoughts. "@type": "Answer", "acceptedAnswer": { This is the best article I have read on this topic. Hang on there, you are so precious to God, and there is not one moment whatsoever that He has not been by your side, He will carry you thru this. The article has been made in association with DivorceFiller the service for preparing divorce papers online. I am not sure of what to do. 21. Its been nearly 3 years (which I suppose is not that long really, but it feels like a long time to be so sad) and I cry every day, in private, so hard sometimes that Im not sure I will be able to stop. And the recent weddings for two of our sons? I also have no contact. I do not want to feel this pain ever again. No tool and not even with time repairs. OUR 2 sons are young men now, but I find it difficult to move ahead with my life. We spoke to 12 men about life after divorce. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. But thats good, hes learning from his father, its ok to feel certain emotions, no matter how much time has passed. your Facebook account, or anywhere that someone would find this page valuable. I guess Im the oldest divorcee here meaning my divorce was in 2003. Divorce is hard on everyone. Poor Academic Performance Children from divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, and impulsive behavior than kids from two-parent families. Thank you for this article. Its been a struggle and I have a lot of guilt/remorse/regret Im the one who initiated the divorce. Oh, theres likely nothing so special about my story except perhaps how long it raged. we see each other all the time with that and every smell and sound and sight reminds me of her and how my family was and could be .. I've been having a recurring dream every night for the past few weeks. You have summed up my sentiments towards my ex as if I had typed this out! Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. ", I wonder if my ex ever feels the way you do it would be a crumb of comfort but not anything remotely triumphant that he may be suffering. I divorced the following year. In the past 5 years I have gained more confident. Its now 10 years since my husband walked out after 29 years of marriage, and having had an affair with his now partner for eight months before he did so. After 28 years, my husband wanted a life with a very younger woman and has subsequently erased his family. I know it is possible to lose conscious contact with that inner peace and love, and I know how tempting it is to think that our love walked away when we parted ways with our dream mate - but if you perpetuate this delusion you cause yourself much more pain.One of the best tools for moving on and letting go of past traumas, regrets, losses and so on - is Meridian Tapping/EFT. Transformational Coaching and Psychotherapy, Benjamin Schwarcz, MFT, ACAP-EFT, Santa Rosa Psychotherapist and Coach, Psychedelic Somatic Interactional Psychotherapy, EFT Clinical Consultation for Health Professionals, Tapping Into Joy: Meridian Tapping and Mindfulness for Depression. Toughing it out. 0. The days I dont see my son are brutally hard. And its hard to have to share my daughter and grandchildren with my exs affair-partner-now-wife. I worked on becoming a better person for 20 years. the pain is there every day . Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. The main reason as to why this is experienced in the lives of people who have separated is because of the good memories that were shared while in marriage, the obstacles that they overcame make people still the hurt and especially if they have a challenge that needs a partner to step in and support. No doubt my personal history comes into play as well; I was single into my 30s having declined a few proposals, deferring marriage until I was ready, convinced I had made an excellent choice. He is now married to the woman he left me for, after 30 years together. 11. ", I became a shell of a person. It becomes manageable, but thats about it. That can mean journaling, taking warm baths, breathing fresh air, eating good food,. On a recent morning, I hung up the phone with my divorce attorney. But growing up an orphan and homeless, I have always wanted to create a nuclear family. New hopes, dreams, and opportunities arent going to come to you if you arent emotionally free and receptive. a loss of interest in activities you previously enjoyed and hobbies. Valerie and Jennifer hit it right on. I am in a much better place than I was 10 year ago but lately I have been profoundly sad but I now understand that the grief never really leaves us, it sits on our shoulder as a reminder of what could have been. Other people here have shown me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. While I am not a mom, I am a dad. fatigue. There is nothing wrong with you other than youve not accepted where you are now and let go of the hopes and plans you had when married. I WAS MARRIED 30 YEARS When she left . I love how it allows us to feel and to be ok with the idea that we are sad despite our happiness. I didnt think it would affect me but, it has. The accusations are almost laughable. The descriptors are poignant and cathartic to say the least. Love is not something outside us , but is our very essence. As I feel like I should be over it 6 years on but Im not. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. Most psychologists and therapists' general rule is one year of healing and recovery for every five to seven years of marriage. God sees our pain, our tears. As parents of a "broken home," my ex and I know in our hearts that we did as best as we could for as long as we could, but in the end, it didn't work. That awful truth of divorce brings depression, devastation and a feeling of despair that we have never experienced and is hard to explain. A word I'd wished for so long to hear. Intense anger may be the main reason most former spouses have no interest in. We are none of us any one thing. Ray J and Princess Love are giving their marriage another shot. Allow Yourself to Be Jealous. I have tried to date, but it never works out. But, in doing so I destroyed all respect for my Ex. And believe me, its been so hard and heartbreaking. Many subsequent marriage proposals when younger but no remarriage. I take strange comfort in the fact that you still hurt 36 years after your divorce: I realise it sounds odd but the comfort is in knowing that Im not the only one who cannot move on as I was told to over and over again. Instead, there is the story of the three of us together, of something in me irrevocably fractured, and I can only hope, less so in my sons. And the Feelings Aren't What I Expected. after 5 years the pain I think is worse . I am also 10 years on and, although as you say sadness and happiness can coexist, there is a very quiet, still, invisible presence he has never really gone away from my heart and mind. I find it hard to understand and accept that a loving man (believe me he loved all women) could sever his life so fully, walk away and turn into a man I never knew. Divorce at this point takes the order of the day. I lost multiply job. Feeling lost after a divorce is natural and common. Seeking revenge. Parent conflict is dangerous to children. You just have to do the work and know some days you will still feel sadness. They touched upon painful feelings, paranoia, debt, and loss of friends. But the empty presence has never gone for me I was 51 when he left and I have no trust to even think of a new partner. My kids are well. But if a marriage is in shambles, then its better for it to be called off than to remain in pain and hurts for the rest of your life. The judgement by others(including family) has been searing. I am not happy but it still gives me joy to see my kids and grandkids and makes me smile. By Stephanie Downs - March 1, 2023 08:07 pm EST. The unearthing of secrets when, like a woman possessed, I became Miss Marple, Agatha Christie would have approved. Its a good thing too, for if I hadnt I know what I feel now would be far worse. After a divorce, you're going to cycle through a spectrum of emotions and more than just sadness or jubilation. D. A. has written for print magazines and newspapers, and she is a regular contributor to Huffington Post Divorce, The Good Men Project, Read MoreFind me on Twitter. "name": "Does divorce hurt even after years? I identified with your feelings of sadness many years after divorce. Its like I never existed in her world. I never reached out to him for assistance. You are welcome to reach out to me at, [emailprotected] Bless you! I have learned to livewith thepain but have not found many people that understand. He appears to be very happy whilst me, not so much. Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. Think Im going to leave her too. I will never trust again or be intimate with another man. Never have found out exact reason, except maybe money. Now my one son and his fianc are choosing the dads side and have minimal contact with my older son, my husband and myself. I had a gnawing feeling when I left him that I was "slitting my own throat" and now I know that is true. This will only relieve the pain for one day and stall the healing process. Acceptance is the final stage of loss. Youre allowing your pain to keep you from enjoying your children and grandchildren. joanne. If you can't see a therapist to talk to about your feelings, remember that self-care after a breakup is key. "@type": "FAQPage", And then the pandemic hit. I live in another state. I put together this: Ex- had removed $70,000 from her retirement account that never showed up in her interrogatory. Our daughter is getting married this year, to a lovely chap but my cynicism remembers the lovely young chap I put my faith and future in! The divorce was my idea. The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce Know that even if says she is okay, underneath her smile, your friend is drowning in loss, your friend needs your help. Most likely, it is because the couples still have the pain of past marriage. irritability. It matters. It helped me process all my pent up sorrow since theres no one in my group of friends or family I would like to share this with. 7 Cures to Move on From the Lingering Loneliness After Divorce These are the steps I took to provide an escape hatch from the intensity of the loneliness that I felt. Thank goodness our children are grown and have started families of their own, so no coparenting or custody to deal with. All rights reserved. Im deeply sad about the while situation and got the whole just get over it speech from my therapist this afternoon. Thinking that being alone means being lonely. This is a very profound article, it exactly mirrors how I feel about being divorced even 35 years down the line.